


An Endless Cycle of Loving You

by MutantofTime



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Implied/Referenced Character Death, Marriage, SBURB/SGRUB, Sadstuck, What the fuck do I even tag this as, after the game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-28
Updated: 2014-01-28
Packaged: 2018-01-10 10:16:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1158443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MutantofTime/pseuds/MutantofTime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They've beaten the game, everything is going well. Rose and Kanaya have married, and John and Sollux are getting married. As for Karkat...</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Endless Cycle of Loving You

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when I brew an idea in my head for 5 hours and write it at midnight.
> 
> Also, I'm not sorry at all.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Homestuck it's the usual shit okay

You wear two rings. No one asks why, and you wouldn't tell them if they asked anyways. Those who do know also know better than to press the matter.

When John announced his engagement to Sollux at their party, it hit you hard in the bloodpusher. Marriage wasn't a common thing back on Alternia, because people could change and develop over time and your feelings could change too. If you were bound to a 'forever' agreement to someone you had temporary feelings for, it wouldn't end well with the violent tendencies trolls had.

It changed when the new universe was created though.

Trolls and humans lived together. They got along. Quadrants were still a thing, and humans were capable of filling them, but human love also became a concept for trolls like you who felt that their quadrants were far too mixed up to divide sufficiently. That's where marriage came in.

Human love tended to be stronger than the quadrilateral feelings that trolls were initially capable of. But human love wasn't something that trolls  _couldn't_  understand. You knew this.

You could see it in their eyes, the way John and Sollux fawned over each other, and you almost grimaced. But you were happy for them, really. You put on a smile for them, applauded and cheered with everyone else.

"Took long enough," was what you had to say to them, to which John laughed.

"Shut up KK, not everyone is in a rush to settle down and get domestic like you and-"

You bite your tongue hard, relaxing only as Sollux finishes his sentence.

"-everyone else in your stupid movies. Or Kanaya and Rose."

You offer a smile smile, shrugging, and Sollux doesn't say anything else. You think he notices his mistake, but no one mentions it. You're grateful for that.

"When is the wedding going to be?" Jade asks, absolutely gushing. She always got excited about these things, though being single herself.

"About seven months from now, we're hoping. We thought it'd be cool to plan it on the anniversary of when we started dating," John explains.

You don't know if seven months is enough time. You want to go, but you don't know if you can.

"We hope to see all of you there!"

You're sure everyone looks at you. You don't make eye contact.

In fact, you barely say anything the rest of the evening, pointedly ignoring Rose and Kanaya, along with John and Sollux. You can't deal with them right now. Or ever, really.

When you leave, it's because you sneak out without saying goodbye.

When you leave, you tell yourself you'll leave a voicemail on their phone tomorrow, giving them another congratulations and such. It's the respectful thing to do.

When you leave, you head to a bar. You get completely wasted there, the bartender eventually turning you down for more drinks for fear you'll die of alcohol poisoning. He only calls the cops to haul you in because he knows you came alone and he doesn't want anything to happen to you. You don't even remember any of this.

They tell you at the hospital. You were confused as to why you were in a hospital, and you only remember leaving the party for the bar, and you wonder why you didn't wake up in a jail cell.

Your blood alcohol content was too high, they tell you, to simply hold you in jail. They wanted to monitor you in the hospital to make sure you wouldn't die.

You sort of wish you had.

When you leave, you have a terrible headache, but you manage to make it back to your apartment. It's a small place, two bedrooms. You don't use the second one, and you don't plan to. You haven't even been inside it for a long while.

You ache at the feeling of being home. It has too many memories, too many good ones that make you miss it, and you'll never regret even the bad ones because they helped you grow and develop. The only thing you regret is the way you punish yourself over and over in a circle of stupidity for something you could've never predicted nor controlled, because the universe would've found a way to destroy your happiness anyhow. You hate it.

This is going to be a long seven months.

* * *

_Five Months Later_

Nothing has changed.

"Karkat, you're going to have to face this. Sollux and John are going to be crushed if you don't show up," Rose tells you. Kanaya nods in agreement, and although you would never wish your pain upon these two, you're jealous, you wish you could switch situations with them. But really, you don't. You somehow deserve this, you know it.

"I..I know okay? But do you not understand the fucking-... what I go through day after day like a goddamned grubfucking endless cycle? I can't."

"Karkat, dear, we've always been here to support you and you know it. We know that it is ultimately your decision on whether to talk to us or not, but I advise that you do. You  _know_  that talking helps," Kanaya presses you, leaning forward in her chair and making direct eye contact with you.

"It doesn't change anything," you mumble, gritting your teeth. Talking doesn't help, it doesn't do anything.

"But it can help you get over it-"

You don't let her finish, you're seething.

"I don't  _want_  to get over it! Getting over it means forgetting, and I promised-"

Rose forces you to sit down again, running her hands through your hair in a gentle, calming gesture. One all too familiar...

"Calm down. You don't have to forget."

"Rose, I  _promised_  I-"

"Karkat."

You sigh. She isn't going to let this go.

"I know you promised. I know. But none of us are forgetting, we are dealing. You need to do the same."

"It isn't the same for you!" you yell, trying not to cry even as your eyes fill with translucent red tears, your voice cracking. "You don't get it! You guys have each other, and who do I have? No one! Fucking. No one. The only one that ever properly cared is gone!"

You know it's not true. You know they  _all_  care about you. You know it. Anger makes you say things you'll regret.

"You don't know what it feels like to..to... fuck! I can't do this, I can't go, I'll ruin everything!"

"Please-," Kanaya begins to plead, reaching for your arm. You violently thrash away, standing out of your chair and knocking it over. You can't stay here any longer, and they don't stop you when you leave.

You go to the same bar again. You're a regular there now. It's all just a cycle, one you feel you'll never break...

You'll never break it because you will never deal and dealing means forgetting and if there is one promise you are going to keep, it's the one that you are not going to forget.

* * *

_Two Months Later_

You don't know how they convinced you. Maybe they didn't, maybe you can actually do this. You doubt it, but you can try. You've been pacing outside this door, you need to go in there, but you  _can't_. You  _have_  to, you argue with yourself. Your suit is in there, you only own one, one for every occasion ever, you don't  _need_  a second one. You're going to be late if you don't go in there, just  _go in you fucking wimp_.

You're not a wimp. You're just Not Dealing.

You brace yourself, squeezing your eyes shut as you open the door, walking in.

It's musty. It hasn't been cleaned for who knows how long.

All you smell is dust. It makes you want to sneeze, but you don't. Instead, you make your way over to the room's closet, avoiding looking at or touching anything else.

You open it.

You want to hit yourself over the head. You want to leave. You want to jump off of the nearest bridge.

You reach for the plastic bag you  _know_  isn't yours. You'd never forget.

Tentatively, your fingers grace over the plastic. It's white, not see through, but you know what's inside.

You don't know what makes you open it, if only a few inches.

You're so fucking stupid, why did you even think opening the damned thing was going to be a good idea? You fucking  _know_  it wasn't going to help, it would only make things worse.

You want to cry.

You feel like your hands are dirty, like the fabric is sacred, like if you touch it, it will be violated. You touch it anyways.

It's soft, almost as if it were worn many a time, and not just once.

You lean forward, closing your eyes and taking a deep breath in through your nose, smelling the scarlet fabric.

Fuck, it still smells like him.

You reel backwards, covering your nose and closing your eyes as if to prevent your tears from escaping. You fumble around blindly, closing the bag and grabbing your own, slamming the closet door and booking it out of there. You will suffocate if you spend even one more second in that godforsaken room.

Once you make it into your own room, you're heaving, your breath coming short and quick and not enough and you can't breath, what is air you can't do this.

You fall to your knees in front of your bed, you know wearing your own suit is going to kill you. You should just go buy a new one, but you really don't have time. Maybe this is the final push, maybe it's what you need. Either way, you know that the knocking at your apartment door is Kanaya, she knows you aren't ready, she's going to push you until you are and she doesn't care if you are crying. You don't get up to answer the door, but she has a key, so it doesn't really matter anyways.

Her voice is stern, but motherly. "I am going to dress you, Karkat."

You do nothing but nod.

You refuse to open your eyes the entire time she gets you ready. When you do at last open them, it's only to see her. She looks beautiful. She is Dealing.

You leave without looking at your reflection, you look anywhere but yourself, but it doesn't make a difference. His scent still lingers, it still brings tears to your eyes that you won't allow to fall.

You're surprised at your strength through most of the ceremony. While most are holding off crying out of happiness, you're barely on the edge of crying for your own despair. But these two, they are your friends, you have to be strong for them, you have to be happy.

They were surprised you even showed up. You're glad you could do that for them. Well really, you can't. Kanaya deserves the credit for dragging your sorry ass here.

John gave you a cheeky grin at your arrival, and Sollux even went so far as to hug you. He grinned and whispered something in your ear that you  _wish_  you didn't catch. It only made everything hurt more because it reminded you of the past.

"Finally catching up to you, KK."

Nothing more than that was said, but you know the meaning, and you know that Sollux knows the meaning. But he doesn't make a huge deal out of it. He is Dealing.

It was when the ceremony started, dragging along until John and Sollux kissed that you lost it, gross sobs wrenching themselves out of your body. No one blames you. They do keep you away from the alcohol at the reception outside though, and you know it's for the best.

You sit at a table, watching everyone enjoy themselves. You're twisting your rings, both of which are on your left hand ring finger.

No one asks, and you won't answer anyways.

But  _he_  doesn't need to ask, he wouldn't even if he could. He  _knows_  somehow, you're sure of it.

You look down at your rings, smiling fondly. His gold band matches your grey one, rubies and diamonds embedded in both. Sure, they weren't traditional, but they were  _you_  and they were  _him_  and since when the fuck were you 'traditional' anyways?

You think you might be almost Dealing, and that's a good thing. But you will never forget.

You look up to the clouds, making silly shapes from the white blobs in the unbelievably blue sky.

If there is a Heaven, you believe wholeheartedly that Dave Strider is in it.


End file.
